Of Second Thoughts, Guilt and Growth
by immawritesomeshit
Summary: Ichigo is torn between the love he has for his beloved wife, and the regret he harbors concerning his first love. Ichiruki, Ichihime, Renruki marriage fic. Revisiting the canon ending.


"He says he will grow up and make you his wife." Ichigo said as he flipped a pancake with the ease of someone who has done it hundreds of times before.

"Kazui has good taste." Rukia stopped cutting a luscious tomato to give him a haughty grin.

"Apparently he will still let Renji visit after you start living with him."

"Such a kind young man" She giggled, "Is that why I decided to leave my family for him?"

"Perhaps." He couldn't help but smile in return, "But his good looks probably helped as well"

"Thats true."

The pancake almost missed the pan.

"What?" He failed to keep the shock from his voice.

"Inoue is so beautiful." She sighed. "There's so much of her in him."

He knew that if he said something corny like _'You're beautiful too_ ', she would see it as mockery. They had never been good with complimenting each others' attractiveness.

"Kazui thinks you are beautiful." He said instead.

"And you?"

The pancake, already burnt, hit the floor this time. She was gone before he could wrap his head around what she had asked.

Instead, in came her husband. Renji made a kissy face as he leaned against the refrigerator. "Lookin' gooood wifey"

"What do you want?" Ichigo groaned. But there was a slight smile on his lips, an indication that the red haired man's presence was not entirely unwelcome. With Renji, everything was still the same. There were no heavy silences. No looks of longing. No double meaning behind words. No what-ifs. No regrets.

Renji was still the same goofy, stubborn man he considered a best friend.

"I missed your food, wiiifey." He crooned in a sugary voice.

"Why? Your real wife no good?" Ichigo asked, and they both laughed at the distinct **_HEY_** from the living room, followed by a _Rukia-san I'm sure they don't mean it! Please put down the vase!_

"Yer lil son keeps glaring daggers at me, ya know. It hurts, man. It hurts deep." Renji whined as he reached towards a pancake. Ichigo swatted his hand away. "His crush is getting out of hand, damnit! I used to be Uncle Renji and now suddenly I'm ' _that guy'_."

"He'll get over it soon." Ichigo couldn't keep the amusement from his voice.

"Yeah but he's **yer** son."

Second pancake wasted.

" _What?_ "

Renji didn't seem like he was insinuating anything dark. His stupid grin remained intact as he explained that since Ichigo was so persistent and determined, his son might be the same.

"To be honest, I had always thought you and Rukia will leave me behind."

"No-"

"Lemme finish. I thought that- so when I asked her out I was like- imma get rejected. Imma move on. But here I am, and she's mah wife." Renji beamed. "I still worried you will steal her away... but then I got that oh-my-god-how-do-I-propose-to-Inoue call from ya and-" He shrugged. "But now its your son, goddamnit."

"Renji. Rukia is my friend. Always has been, always will be."

"So ya have never thought-"

"Not even a little."

 _Lies. Lies. **Lies**._

"So ya really do love Inoue." He smiled.

"Of course. I married her!" It came easier this time. That wasn't a lie. He was head-over-heels with the woman he now called his wife. "Have you always been worrying about this?"

"It comes and goes." Renji said sheepishly.

Inoue came in at that point, and ushered them into the dining room with the food. Kazui was already seated next to Rukia, and everyone laughed as Renji took the seat to her other side and put his hand over her shoulders possessively.

In a group, things went fine. He had his beautiful wife; she had her doting husband. They both had wonderful children. There were no secret glances. No accidental touches. No wondering and wishing.

But he would always pay too much attention to her laughs. His eyes would meet her's, only to notice how she was gazing at his best friend with all the love in the world. The same smile of contentment that she wore while looking at her adorable daughter stuffing her face with food.

"Ungle ish goooood" Ichika said with a mouth full of pancake. Rukia hummed as she cut up another piece. "True. My husband should learn a thing or two from you."

"Haaaaahhh?" Renji looked annoyed, and Ichigo wondered how many times he had heard her make this same remark. Every single time he had to convince himself that it was simply in jest.

That Rukia didn't court the same uncertainities that he did.

"I'm saying you're a useless husband you pineapple!"

"Shut up shorty you won't reach anything without me around!"

"Ah." Inoue whispered to him. "Should we say something?"

"Don't. This is how they flirt." He whispered back, trying to keep the grimace out of his voice.

Sometimes Ichigo would be torn between feeling happy for them, and feeling sad that it had come at the cost of what they had once had. But then he would hear Inoue's giggles, feel her warmth nearby, and see the dear child their love had produced.

Rukia was wonderful and everything he had wished for in his dreams. Inoue was the beautiful reality he had received, a bountiful reward for all he had had to experience.

More than anything, he was lucky they were both in his life.

* * *

"Ahhh I can't believe she's **this** mad at me." Renji groaned as he washed the dishes. Beside him, Inoue was busy drying them or sneaking them back to the basin if they were poorly washed. It was obvious that Renji's mind was somewhere else.

"Rukia-san is not one to keep grudges" she said, "I'm sure she would have forgiven you by the time you three get back home."

"And tonight's a special night, ya know" Renji kept complaining. "It's our anniversary. I had even planned for Ichika to stay at Byakuya's for tonight-"

Inoue coloured slightly as the insinuation finally hit her. "Ah.. I'm sure she will forgive-"

A chant of _diiivorce diiivorce diiivorce_ rose from the living room.

"Goddamnit Rukia you have no sense o humour!"

"I married you, didn't I?" Swift came the reply

"Fucking hell." He muttered as he returned to the dishes. "She's got the brat to join in too. Yer son is gonna finish me off someday."

"Kazui doesn't realise the gravity of his words" Inoue explained. "I'm sure it's only because he wants her around a lot more than she is."

"For a lil pipsqueak she ain't ever short of admirers." He sighed, "M sorry Inoue. I accused your husband of the same thing earlier. Must be going mad."

Her smile became strained. "It's okay. I wonder that myself, at times."

Renji did a double take. "No no yer got it wrong! He said he loves ya. That he's never-"

"I know he loves me." She interrupted. "But he's lying to himself if he thinks he has never loved her."

"Inoue-"

Tears had begun to form in her eyes. "I just wish-" she sobbed, "I just wish he would face his feelings for once instead of running away. How is he supposed to get over something he refuses to accept the existence of?"

He instinctively put his arms around her, pulling her to his chest as her shoulders heaved with the weight of her grief. He didn't know what to say.

* * *

"I will NEVER call you shorty." Kazui said proudly. "And I will learn how to cook so I can make you delicious stuff!"

"That's sweet, but I still love Renji."

"Awwww"

Ichigo watched his son's repeated attempts to sweep Rukia off her feet fail one after another.

"Daaaaaad" Kazui turned to him pitifully.

"Sorry Kazu. I respect the sanctity of marriage."

"You're no help!" He huffed. Ichigo could clearly see the Inoue in him. He was adorable.

"Kazuiiiiii. You told me you would spar with me today!" Ichika was done being ignored. She pulled the dispirited young boy outside, waving cheerfully as he yelled 'be careful'.

They would probably need to replace a wall tonight.

* * *

Renji and Inoue were taking too long.

Had being alone with her always been so nerve wracking? He couldn't remember.

Rukia was sitting next to him on the sofa, her fragrance tickling his nose. And suddenly they were back to his teenage years, when she would perch on his bed with no regard for his personal space, and he would sneak glances even while chastising her to get off.

"Rukia." The words came out without him thinking about it. "I think you're beautiful too."

Her facade cracked for just a moment, and she looked at him with shock, and hope and suddenly, grief.

"Ichigo-"

"I'm sorry. I didn't-" he had broken too many boundaries. "I didn't mean to- its just-"

"Ichigo-"

"I love Inoue. I truly do."

"I know"

"But it's so hard to get you out of my goddamn mind!" He whimpered, cradling his head in his arms. "I thought I had moved on! I thought I can give my whole heart to Inoue but I keep betraying her trust every time I think of you and-"

"I love Renji too. But its so hard.. to get over something that never really happened." She whispered, putting into words what he had been struggling with for so long.

He hated himself for the sudden relief that washed over him. The knowledge that she felt the same way.

"Why are we like this?" She sighed.

It was so difficult to not pull her to him at that moment. Rukia looked so small and miserable. But Inoue was still there in the back of his mind- sweet, trusting Inoue.

He was a horrible man.

"Should we… not see each other anymore?" The words hurt when they left his tongue.

"… I suppose." She agreed, "But even if... we continue to meet..I will not allow myself to cheat, even if it is not physically."

"Nor will I." He said.

The silence afterwards was almost unbearable, and it took all his strength to break it again.

"Hey. Rukia-" He began. She jumped a bit, as if she had forgotten of his presence before he spoke. "Rukia.. If I had.. before Renji.. would we.."

"Yes. Back then, yes." She held his gaze bravely. "But not now."

"Not now." He repeated. Then "I loved you, Kuchiki Rukia. You were my first love."

"…and I loved you too." Her words were bittersweet, but they washed away all the doubts. All the what-ifs that haunted him every night.

They could have. But they didn't.

"Thank you" they both said at the same time, then broke into relieved laughter.

Closure had come to them after many,many years. Ichigo felt light of heart. He could breathe freely again. And soon, the day will come when he looks at Rukia, and she will truly be just an amazing friend.

* * *

"Do you think we can go in now?" Inoue whispered from outside the living room.

Renji shuffled his feet nervously. "Ya sure they're done?" He muttered. "That was some heavy shit right there."

"I'm glad they could talk it out." She dried her tears. "I'm glad they still want to be with us."

"Of course Rukia will wanna stay with me" Renji grinned. "I'm a fucking prize. And ye are too."

She looked at her husband as his body finally relaxed, as if a weight had left his shoulders. Ichigo still loved her. He didn't think she was a mistake. She allowed herself a smile.

"I'm a **fudging** prize" 

* * *

Hello! I hope you enjoyed the story.

I had always been an Ichiruki shipper, so the manga ending made me bitter for a long, looooong time.

But Inoue is still a sweet character, and I couldn't bring myself to write an adultery fic- it is so wrong.

So here is Ichigo and Rukia fully moving on, a prelude to a happier life with their chosen spouses.

I hope the characters were not too OOC :3

Thank you for reading!


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